Big surprise to anyone out there reading my blog, but I got my heart broken not too long ago. It didn't just break my heart though, in a lot of ways, it broke me and I didn't know how to crawl out of the deep black hole of "what the fuck just happened" so, I reached out to the people that love me. My friends. One of my friends in particular (that hasn't known me for the 20 years my other friends have) said to me, "I'm confused, hasn't this happened to you before?" Well...not exactly. In fact no, I've never truly had my heart broken.
Of course I have had relationships that didn't work and dated men that were assholes, but have I had my heart truly broken by someone I felt was for me? No. My friend said she didn't know if I was lucky or if she should feel sorry for me. I say, feel sorry for me, because I should already know how to climb out of this, but I've never experienced it. The reasons why I have never had my heart broken are likely the same reasons why this heartbreak will always stay with me.
For one, I'm a serial monogamist, I admit it, I own it, I embrace it. I would much rather be in a relationship where I know the person cares about me no matter the outcome. When I know a person cares, it's almost impossible for them to break me, because I know they didn't mean to. It may sound silly, but there is an aspect of intent that MUST happen in order for me to have a broken heart. For example, I used to date this guy that was ambitious, handsome and kind, but he broke his ankle (that's the simple version) while playing tennis and turned into a huge asshole. Why didn't we work? Well, part of it was because he was in pain ALL THE TIME and took his frustrations out on me, but the other part was because he wasn't my guy. We were together for two years and at the end of the day, he wasn't my for me and he still cared/cares for me. When we mutually split up, it was hard, but I wasn't broken because we both tried and we both knew it wasn't right. But he didn't use me, he didn't try to hurt me, he didn't disrespect me, so it was easy for me to go on being me.
For two, I realize when I've lied to myself. I've had two incidents of this. One was with "WR", that's what I'll call him. We met one day at the gym and he was absolutely GORGEOUS! Like, seriously, ladies if you saw him, you would stare for a good 30 seconds before you realized you had been looking at him that long. Tall, dark and handsome with a brain and a level of insightfulness that can sometimes be scary. He told me the truth, "I'm not looking for a relationship", I thought I could change his mind, but that never ends well. In the end, he stopped talking to me temporarily, because I had completely fallen for him he knew it. I also knew that wasn't what he wanted. When that ended, it was easier for me to move on because he NEVER lied to me. I lied to myself and I forgave myself for it and moved on. Then there was "ALP". We were together for more than three years. I knew MONTH two I didn't really want to be with him, but I figured hey, I made the commitment stick to it! ALP was a completely annoying girly man. Always took longer to get ready than I did, was super high maintenance and my little cousins (28-17 years old) all thought he was gay. Not good signs, so when he ended things with me, I cried for two days and was COMPLETELY over it the third because I knew I didn't want him. Then there's the Nessy.
This is complicated for me but, probably not for the average person. I wanted him, truly wanted him. Not only that, but I never got the chance to find out if it was a good fit. He was a tornado to my life. He blew in, fucked up my trailer, didn't take me to OZ and instead dropped me off in the middle of butt fuck "unknown". Now, I'm trying to piece my trailer back together with duct tape and the shit is sticking, but it's all the wrong color! I have shiny silver pieces of shit where it was completely white. He sent me a text message explaining himself last week and the closure I got from it was profound, but I've never lived in the "unknown" and it's hard to move from it. I have so many what ifs going on in my head it's fucking annoying. What if I hear from him next week? What if he comes back and he's ready? What if he never comes back? What if... I've never been here before. I've always known why it wasn't a good fit and why it would never work, but with him, the only "why" is a "what if! " That's the naiveté of the unbroken heart.
I've never been in a situation where I my heart was broken, without good cause or without KNOWING why it wouldn't work. In this situation I believe it was unintentional and with good cause, but in the end, I think we would've been great for each other, but I don't know. I know I painted him like an asshole in my last post, but I needed to do that because he wasn't telling me anything and I NEEDED to find a reason to move on, but I'm stuck in place. I ripped the band aid off, but the wound is still festering and the glue is black with dirt. I don't know how to heal from this and I've never been here. So, now, I have a great guy that actually likes me, that thinks I'm "intriguing", but tornado Nessy has left so much destruction that my trailer is NOT the same and it is killing me!
Professor X is fucking awesome! He is smart, caring, understanding and insightful, but I can't completely open up and it is seriously annoying as hell. Almost every part of me is telling me to go all in, but those God damn "what ifs" keep giving me pause. The truth is, I'm not sure I'll ever be the same and I know I've never been in this particular land "unknown" before. Honestly, I want Tornado Nessy to come back and take my ass back to Kansas, but that will probably never happen. I've used the duct tape to piece myself back together, but I am far from "like new". I am still in pain three weeks later! WTF It never takes me this long to forget about anything. So, in the end, I'm stuck in the "unknown" and I'm lost. I don't know if I will ever be the same again.