I showed him physically that I was into him. Not really a big "no no", I'm grown, he's grown, shit happens. I believed this guy was a genuine person, so if it didn't work out, at least he would respect me enough to give himself the chance to really get to know me, maybe we would become really good friends in the end! The truth is, I trusted him not to be "that guy" and I was all for seeing where everything could go. Loyal by default, I couldn't see anyone but him; it's just the way I'm built when I'm really digging someone. So, of course, it turned for the worst.
He stood me up one night when he was supposed to come over for dinner. I went to the grocery store, cleaned the house had it smelling good and everything ya'll! His reasoning for not coming was because he was with his family which I knew was his priority and I could accept that. Then he stopped talking to me every day, which was abnormal for him. At first, I didn't think too much of it, but then when his text started getting REALLY sparse I asked him what was up and he said he was "going through something" and "didn't feel like himself". Well, I knew from previous conversations, he had a reason to legitimately be going through something, so, I tried to be understanding, but after two weeks of not laying eyes on him I seriously started to feel like I would never see him again. So, I asked him again, "really what's up?" He said it wasn't me he just wasn't feeling like himself, he needed some space, but he kept texting ME. Then one weekend I was like "I'd like to see you this weekend if you have time." and he was all like "let's make it happen". But it didn't happen and when I asked him AGAIN what was up he said he was with his family. By now, the trust I felt earlier was being destroyed by vague answers and an overactive imagination. My mind went from "He got someone pregnant" to "maybe someone is dying" to "maybe he got fired" to "he's just a lying piece of shit". Still, I tried to give him his space, but let's be real, you have time in a 168 hour week to stop by or invite me over to say "hi". If you wanted to see me, you would. It is unfair to tell someone to trust you, when you don't trust them enough to tell the truth.
Now, I haven't seen the "Nessy/POS" for a month and when I asked him "so....am I ever going to see you again?" I got crickets. Out of all of the things going through my mind, I've settled on he's just a lying piece of shit. But let me help you understand my feelings a little better.
This is the guy that sent me the message "you're beautiful" and described me as "adorable" which is something NO other person has ever described me as. Adorable? I'm a fucking barracuda what the hell do you mean "adorable"!? The same guy that said to me straight up "I will never lie to you". The guy that said "he loved that a had a huge heart". The same guy that's writing a book about the problems of dating black women from the male perspective. The same guy, that I told straight up not to hurt me because I'm not a fuck buddy or a one night stand and I genuinely liked him. I don't know why I trusted him not to shit all over me just because he KNEW it would hurt me, which leads me to my point. What the hell is wrong with black women? Pain. That's what's wrong with us.
Some feel the pain of not having a father, so they try to fill that hole the best way they know how. With men that tell them they love them, but aren't worth shit and promises of expensive things that don't matter. Some don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, they just know their mother's told them to find a man with money. That's what they look for. Not the best looking man, but he drives a nice car. He treats you like shit, but he pays your bills. Then there are the women that were never taught anything differently. Maybe they had a two parent household, but they were taught "judge a man by his shoes". Because you're going to have to cuddle with his shoes every night, right? His shoes can't do shit for you but be shoes. It's a cycle; their mother was probably taught the same thing because at some point, someone in their family was dirt broke, scared and in pain. They needed to find someone to take care of them no matter the cost and the lesson unfortunately got passed down. I'm another story.
I grew up in a two parent household and was VERY close to my father. My dad was, still is and will always be my vision of a perfectly flawed man. My father also taught me basic human kindness, loyalty, honesty. My daddy was a blessing to me and in 2004, my dad passed away suddenly. The only man that has ever truly understood me was gone and I felt a pain that I still feel to this day. But, my dad left me with one hope that I planned to share with someone one day. My father taught me how to love. The Nessy is just one in a number of men that have taken the potential of my love, laughed at it, wiped their asses with it and told me it ain't worth shit.
Pain. That one magically evil emotion that can take a good person and turn them into a shitty human being. So this is what I've been noticing in myself.
1. I don't trust ANYONE but my friends and my family. The rest of the world can suck it! The sad thing is though, I'm pretty sure no one can trust me now either. I'm in play mode. I don't give enough of a shit about anyone to take any guy seriously. I will purposely hurt someone right now because I "KNOW" they don't care, so why should I? Except, what if they do care?
2. I'm "nasty nice" all day long. I was on the phone with this guy recently and I pretty much called him a complete idiot with the sweetest choice of words EVER. Is he an idiot? Well, he could probably use a book in his life, but did he deserve me treating him like he was beneath me? No. I'm sure he didn't, but the funny thing is, he's been calling and texting me every day despite the fact I treat him like shit. So now I'm just playing games to distract myself from the pain I feel. Not fair, but I don't really care.
3. I ain't cooking for shit, paying for shit or doing shit nice for anyone! I love to cook for people. It isn't a trick to "get to a man's heart through his stomach", I just like people telling me my food is good. I normally will cook for a guy I'm really into because I think it's a nice thing to do. I also normally pay for a date at least once because I feel like a woman should do some spoiling sometimes. Now? Fuck all that noise you ain't getting shit out of me.
4. I am completely closed emotionally to anything with a penis. My friends will totally get me when I say, I am COMPLETELY open about everything that is me. I am honest no matter what and I share my life experiences and feelings because I think that's how people truly connect with one another. I'm not trying to connect with anyone. Lately my conversations with dicks have consisted of "Hi, how are you?, good, that's good, what are you watching on TV?" Nothing real, nothing of value, nothing of me. I'm boring myself to tears and these dumb fucks are eating it up like I'm actually into them! Which makes everything even worse for me because men really do go after the bitches! Like....WTF!?
So, this is what's wrong with black women. Other human beings that treat them like they are disposable. In fact, it's the SEVERAL times it happens. If someone abandoned a teenager with no real reason or explanation everyone would be appalled. They would all be like, "OMG how could they do that!?" But, when men dispose of women with no real reason or explanation it's just boys being boys. What about the woman? What about the emotional scars that are left behind when you get told over and over again you're worthless? I mean...seriously? We don't deserve some sort of an explanation?
All survive it their own way. Some get stronger and choose wiser (I'll get there at some point), some give up and make even dumber decisions and some just shut off their emotions so they can't get hurt anymore and in the process, they hurt anyone foolish enough to approach. I'm in the "shut down" phase. For the sake of my father's memory, I pray I can get out of it soon, but for now, fuck it. So, in the end that's what the hell is wrong with THIS black woman.